最近有種歸零的感覺。被迫放慢了腳步，就像快飛出場外的籃球卻叫我別去救一樣：有點煞不住、很悶，然後懊惱。
從今年過完農曆年開始行動，過著白天上班晚上上課的日子整整四個月；第一次體會走在南洋街補習擁擠的人群中是什麼感覺，才開始真正覺得自己是個台北人。閉關孤軍奮戰兩個月之後，飛越海洋、甚至還有颱風(那個號稱今年最強烈颱風)到日本考試。
繞了一圈，我還在這裡。是的，因為結果不理想，今年無法申請學校。很抱歉用這種方式告訴我的朋友們。
之前還差點錯過GRE Subject考試，讓我不禁懷疑上帝是不是在給我一些預兆。要我想的更清楚些，或者要我決心更強，祂才肯幫我。Ph.D.，令人望而生畏。懷疑自己是不是真有那個能力，去和英語為母語的人競爭；或者那種毅力，單獨去另一個國家唸書生活五年。而且要能這麼做的前提還必須是申請到獎學金。
但我還是要試。不是因為我對自己有多大的信心或是自我感覺超級良好，而是人生總是要拿來做想做的事情。當選擇逃避想做的事，心裡總是會有一個聲音告訴你，好像哪裡不對勁。於是我選擇去面對。
以為已經錯過Subject考試時，其實當時有股想笑的衝動，也許只有那麼一點點苦笑的意味。我真的很期待未來還會發生些什麼有趣的事情。
最近喜歡上一首好歌The Show，雖然我的這場戲有點荒腔走板、不太好看，像歌詞最後一句說的很想要回自己的錢(I want my money back)，不過我會盡量Enjoy the show。
http://tw.youtube.com/watch?v=xI8Ysr1BgmQ&NR=1
(喜歡的MV不給嵌入，所以請自行連結囉)
Lenka - The Show Lyrics
I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why
Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not
I'm a fool
Out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough
I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show
The sun is hot
In the sky
Just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the sign
And synchronize in time
It's a joke
Nobody knows
They've got a ticket to that show
Yeah
I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show
Just enjoy the show
I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show
I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
Just enjoy the show
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